One-Liner Finance Jokes

Humor is a valuable asset, even in the serious world of finance. Here are some quick, witty one-liners to lighten the mood and perhaps even offer a moment of (dark) enlightenment.

The Essentials

Compound interest is the eighth wonder of the world. The ninth is understanding it.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. (Just like the stock market!)

My broker called and asked, “Are you happy with your investments?” I said, “Are you happy with your recommendations?”

I’m starting a new business. It’s called “Procrastination Incorporated.” We’ll get to it eventually. (Maybe invest in us later?)

What’s the difference between a used car salesman and a bond trader? The car salesman knows when he’s lying.

Investment Strategies

Buy low, sell high. Unless it’s crypto, then buy high and sell lower.

My investment strategy? Buy what’s on sale, even if it’s the Titanic.

Diversification is a strategy for those who don’t know what they’re doing. (I diversify… a lot.)

I’m not saying my portfolio is bad, but my pet hamster is giving me investment advice now.

Heard about the investor who only buys companies that make round things? His portfolio is very well-rounded.

Economic Realities

The stock market is a device for transferring money from the impatient to the patient. (Or from me to someone else.)

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose your job. And a recovery is when your accountant loses his job.

Budgeting is telling your money where to go instead of wondering where it went.

Government economists are people who see something working in practice and wonder if it will work in theory.

Corporate Shenanigans

Ethics are a competitive disadvantage. (According to some CEOs, probably.)

Business is a combination of war and sport. (Unless you’re playing against a lawyer.)

The best way to rob a bank is to own one. (Allegedly.)

The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall.

A consultant is someone who borrows your watch and tells you what time it is, then keeps the watch.

Hope these jokes provided a brief respite from the financial realities of the world! Remember to laugh, learn, and maybe not take everything *too* seriously. Unless it’s your 401k. Then, be serious.